Is your teen experiencing mood fluctuations? Worry not; this is all part and parcel of getting older: they are most likely trying to counter the physical and emotional effects accompanying them through this time. Since they are new to everything, they might withdraw into themselves, put a lid on their emotions, or turn violent in response to the changing personal and professional circumstances. Some situations they may be encountering can be increased academic pressure, mounting peer influence, or a higher incidence of fights between friends. Whatever problems they may be facing, you need to communicate to them the advantages of having better emotional understanding in order to desist from taking certain actions that carry consequences into the long term.
The ability to delve into oneself to take note of one’s emotional state is something that will help your teens take well-meaning actions that will help them achieve success later in life. Below, we look at five tips to enable your teen to make peace with their emotions:
- Overthinking Responses is Not a Good Option
A common problem faced by teens is their restraint to put their emotions in words, feeling others won’t understand or will respond negatively. Instead of conveying their real feelings they might be tempted to hold others’ feelings in higher regard and, as a result, they may tend to mask their lack of comfort by agreeing with others. This is because they do not yet possess a reasonable level of self-esteem, thinking their thoughts or emotions have secondary importance. This may also mean that for them their mentors, coworkers or friends’ actions and thoughts can take precedence over theirs.
Some ways in which you can assist them get through this lack of self-worth are mentioned below:
- Alert them against thinking too much. They need to be explained that the mind’s tendency is often to expect negative outcomes and think less of the potential positive effects. So, in order to believe in brighter results, they need to avoid contemplating about ‘what if’ scenarios, pointing out that they will feel a sense of heightened anxiety over imagined confrontation if they did so. They must learn that even when others’ do need to be given regard, their own feelings and thoughts must not ever be concealed.
- You can also explain to them that their friends will not judge them when they speak their true feelings. If they did, however, then, probably they are not acting like true friends. They must understand that letting your emotions bubble up in an inner cauldron is far worse than speaking your mind, even if it means being offensive at times. After all, they should know that feedback of a negative nature actually allows them to bond well with their peers in their journeys into adulthood.
- Be in the Present Moment
Conversely, your teen may be tempted to behave the opposite way: deciding to focus too much on their inward state of being, and this could be in response to a number of likely scenarios such as facing pressure to fill in college applications, being exposed to a shifting social landscape, or getting to know who they are. Being faced with preforming on multiple fronts, they may decide to withdraw into themselves and gain a heightened sense of awareness on their inner turmoil, choosing to let go of others’ expectations. This could also predict having a lower sense of self-esteem. It could manifest itself in their impulsive actions aimed at bringing attention to themselves, such as letting out their emotions, listening to music at too high a volume or not doing their chores.
Below are some ways in which you can aid them:
- Motivate them to show interest in others’ lives. It could be as simple as saying hello to a neighbor, engage in a conversation with a teacher, etc. This way they can know what’s happening in other people’s lives and shift their focus from themselves onto the outer world. It will also help them build empathetic feelings and build emotional intelligence.
- Talk to your kid to do good for someone else every day. This will offer them a chance to gain an understanding of the problems afflicting others in their surroundings. Overall, it will allow them to grow older with a sense of appreciation for others’ lives and their challenges.
- Suggest to them to write a letter to someone important in their life. Although letters may seem outdated, they are actually a lovely way of showcasing affection for someone. Moreover, writing your feelings and thoughts for another person on paper materializes a benevolent act.
- Shoulder Responsibility
Teens may consider that others’ actions may play a greater role in how their lives turn out to be. Now no longer a child, they face more tasks and responsibilities such as learning to drive, filling in college applications, finding work and learning to socialize on their own, meanwhile also paying heed to the expectations of their parents and guardian figures. They may be tempted to weigh just how much onus can be placed on themselves for success or failure in their lives versus on others who regulate their behavior and influence their thought processes and decision making capabilities.
If they are inclined to put the blame on others for the outcomes in their lives, they may feel they don’t have enough power to make the correct decisions for themselves. This could hamper their ability to be dependent on themselves in the long run and just look for ways in which others will guide them into taking actions.
To counter this, the following tips can work:
- If possible create a list of responsibilities that your teen is expected to shoulder. It will make them aware of the scope of their decision making ability and their independent thinking. They will no longer be seduced into believing that something lies in others’ domains of responsibility, not considering others as scapegoats anymore. Having a clear-cut list also enables them to go beyond the expected tasks and roles and expand the horizon with regards to their commitment and accountability.
- Put up a chore chart in a common area for everyone to know the scope of their duties and tasks. This will also create a sense of equality when the teens are able to see that nearly everyone is playing a part to get things done in the house. That way, there will be no blame game and hopefully shirking from assigned tasks.
- Being Trivial is Not the Way to Be
Triviality indicates signs of emotional immaturity. Mocking words, the need to have the last word and a display of passive-aggressiveness indicate the presence of shame about something, or resentfulness for someone else’s success, or an overall negative mindset. Your teen should learn to hold their composure against derogatory remarks of others. They should speak up if someone is being too unfair with them and if that brings their personality into question. However, they need to keep a cool mind in response to mean attempts at mockery or provocations coming out of spitefulness – they should decipher just when someone is being too petty and its best to let it go.
Help them overcome pettiness this way:
- Showcase to them the benefits of not coming down to someone else’s level. Demonstrate that not responding in the face of spiteful comments and jeering remarks is quite often the best way to win the fight over those who want to trouble them.
- Position Hardships as Learning Opportunities
Yes, it can be quite demanding on you to see your child suffer against hardships in their growing years. But they are on the road to becoming adults and they need to be left to themselves to discover and take missteps in the process. Nonetheless, they must not be allowed to let themselves completely give up in response to challenges, unwilling to do anything. Worry about a negative outcome or feelings of despair post poor exam performance may compel them to hold themselves back from fully investing in life. This is where you come in and mentor them on how to view challenges.
You can do the following:
- Help nurture a perception in them that challenges and hardships are something to be tackled wholeheartedly. Inculcate in them the viewpoint that they can overcome these setbacks in a creative way. A biology assignment with a major bearing on the final grade need not be something to fret over. Rather, it is an opportunity to go beyond the confines of the mind and look at things from a new perspective – grades are just a minor part, giving full justice to the project is all that should matter. Have them find a way to build a long-lasting connection with an interviewer rather than worry that they will fail the interview. Presenting difficulties as avenues for exploration changes your child’s stance on life.
- Let them decipher between empty criticism and criticism given out with the right intention. They should know that constructive criticism is a wonderful way to learn from mistakes and better oneself. Also, constructive criticism comes from someone who cares for them. By paying attention to such criticism they can improve their chances of success later in life.
Author Bio:
Andy Earle is a researcher who studies parent-teen communication and adolescent risk behaviors. He is the co-founder of talkingtoteens.com, ghostwriter at WriteItGreat.com, and host of the Talking to Teens podcast, a free weekly talk show for parents of teenagers.